Survivors Can Help the Newly Diagnosed
Bob Riter
People who have had cancer are often asked for advice by those who are newly diagnosed. And quite a few of us feel compelled to give our advice whether it's requested or not.
Some are these conversations are clearly beneficial to the person who's newly diagnosed while other conversations leave them looking mostly befuddled and/or terrified.
Some general guidelines might be useful:
The most important rule for the survivor is to do more listening than talking. The conversation isn't about you - it's about the person who was just diagnosed. When someone tells that you that they were just been diagnosed with cancer, they're looking more for understanding than for advice.
The other important rule is to make the distinction between sharing your own experiences versus telling the newly diagnosed what's best for them. It's fine to say, "This is what I did," but don't say, "This is what you should do."
Keep in mind that there are more than two hundred types of cancer and they differ considerably in terms of treatment, prognosis, and impact on one's life. Your experience with thyroid cancer doesn't necessarily translate well to someone else's diagnosis with tonsil cancer. And people with the same diagnosis can have entirely different experiences. For example, there are many types of lymphoma, and there are even several different types of breast cancer. They aren't all the same.
People who are newly diagnosed tend to worry about "what if" scenarios. They ask themselves: What if the cancer has spread? What if my treatment doesn't work? What if my spouse breaks an ankle and can't drive the car to buy groceries for our family?
These thoughts aren't always rational, but they're understandable. Survivors don't need to make the newly diagnosed feel even more anxious by sharing every bad experience they've ever had or heard about.
You don't need to be irrationally positive, but you shouldn't be aggressively negative either.
And no matter how serious the diagnosis, it's important for the person to maintain hope. Not only hope for a cure, but hope for a smooth treatment process.
In sum, survivors can best help the newly diagnosed by listening and supporting. As the Shaker saying goes, "Let your words be few and seasoned with grace."
Originally publication date: November 20, 2010.
Reprinted with permission of the Ithaca Journal.
